Three Great Resources For Managing Grief and a Personal Share by Bethany Barta

The only thing that stays the same is change.  You’ve heard this before, right? As we move through another Colorado Spring season (Spring officially arrives on March 20th, yay!) with weather that can change up to four times a day, we can use the lessons of nature to embrace change and learn to adapt to what is needed in the moment. Just like you learn to bring multiple layers once you’ve lived in Colorado for a while, you can adapt to changes in your life by tuning into the present and asking yourself “what do I need in this moment?”  You wouldn’t try to change the weather, would you?  So, one way we can work with change in our life is to stay present, feel into what is happening, and accept what we are experiencing. 

 

From my work with people in the therapy room over the last 25 years, I have learned that most of us are experiencing some change, transition, or loss most of the time, whether we notice it or not.  Over the last two years of the pandemic, we have experienced multiple layers of grief.  I don’t think I need to list all of the major changes we as a collective have been through and continue to go through. You know what I am talking about!  Whether it is  "Big G '' grief related to losing a loved one or losing a jobor a "small g" grief related to not being able to go into an office to work, you have a right to feel exactly the way you feel and process the experience however feels right to you. 

 

I've been more tuned into grief than ever since I lost my father in January this year.  I realized quickly after my father died that I had not really known this kind of grief before. I had an urge to call up past clients, friends, and family and tell them that I get it now!  I’ve joined the club!  I found Acute Grief to be heavy, foggy, and omnipresent. This is the initial period after a loss that includes strong feelings of yearning, loss, confusion, and sadness. This may be accompanied by anxiety, bitterness, remorse, regret, guilt and shame. This was true for me for the first 30-45 days.  As I move into integrated grief I am finding ways to connect and talk about my dad that allow the sadness and happiness to well up when it wants to hold space for my whole self. I find myself often just saying to my husband “It really sucks that my dad is gone.”

 

I try to stay connected and work on developing a new relationship with my father through a number of ways.  I’ve had two dreams about him that felt like messages from him.  First that he knows we are trying our best in all things and second, a message of health and light heartedness where he is now.  I wear his necklace almost daily and say a quiet hello to him when I touch it.  I listen for his guidance knowing that the more I tune in, the more I will hear and feel from him.  

 

I have felt relieved to get some space for other feelings and thoughts in my day. When thoughts and feelings are triggered by songs I hear or listening to others share about their losses, I welcome them for a while, then move on to what is present in the moment. The Center for Prolonged Grief describes Integrated Grief at the result of adaptation to the loss.  As a person adapts to a loss, it doesn’t mean the grief is over.  Rather, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors related to your loss are integrated in ways that allow you to remember and honor the person who died. You will begin to understand that grief finds a place in your life and you will experience the waves of grief come and go over time. Some days, I wish I could just get through it fast and be done with it. Other days, I am aware that this is a process and this feeling of loss will never fully be gone, it is a new part of me that I accept. 

 

I was talking to Ashley Fennell, a counselor at Insight, about how she has been seeing an increase in clients showing up with grief in recent months, and she shared an excellent resource that she has been reviewing with her clients. The Griever's Bill of Rights. I have found this to be extremely helpful myself, especially the part that says "You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.: I have found that sharing about my experience and asking my family members what they've been going through has been healing. Another resource that has been helpful is reading the book Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe by Laura Lynn Jackson.  There are so many amazing examples of loved ones communicating through signs and symbols from the other side.

At Insight you will have the space to tell your grief story, whether that is about a family member who has died, loss of a long term relationship, loss of physical health, or loss of a job, we are ready and trained to listen and hold space for all of the feelings that come up. We know the power of telling your story. We invite you in to tell it. Feel free to share what resources, perspectives, and support have helped you adapt and move toward Integrated Grief.